A Crafty XV

I would have loved to call this team the Thirst XV but the clever Kelly Ryan at Epic Brewery has already claimed that name for his fantasy team of Kiwi brewers, so I'm going with Crafty Buggers, a team of taste and style.

Tighthead prop: Substance is the key. Three Boys Oyster Stout, brewed with real bluff oysters, is smooth and silky with a hint of brine and a touch of smoke.

Hooker:In the Sean Fitzpatrick mode, rugged, uncompromising, with a never-say-die attitude is Twisted Hop's Red Zone Enigma. This barley wine, with its overtures of cherry and vanilla, has survived the Canterbury earthquake which destroyed Martin Bennett's brewery.

Loosehead prop: Emerson's Bookbinder  solid, dependable, no-fuss English bitter, beautifully balanced, well capable of holding its own in any clash.

Locks: Harrington's Big John Special Reserve is the Brad Thorn of New Zealand craft brews. Conditioned in bourbon-laced oak barrels it has the oomph you want. His partner is 8-wired's Tally Poppy, a crazy alignment of an Irish Red Ale and a hop-driven American IPA.

Blindside flanker: Jerome Kaino is the model here; a great defender, but with go-forward on attack and a range of skills including the responsibility for taking kick-offs. So joining his 8-wired clubmate in the pack is iStout and its robust, complex dance of flavours.

Openside flanker: Is there a Richie  McCaw of beers? An everyman with the requisite humility, rugged charm and daring talent? It has to be Mash Up, the collaborative effort of nearly all our craft brewers   a hoppy New Zealand-style Pale Ale that represents the best parts of our craft industry.

No 8: You can't beat size and experience in the back row, so it was a no-brainer to include Pink Elephant Brewery's cult beer Mammoth, an English brown ale with layers of coffee, chocolate and licorice.

Halfback: Aussie battler George Gregan is the epitome of what you want in a halfback  clever, cheeky, daring, skilful with a polarising personality. Step up, please, the beer that thinks it's a whisky  Rex Attitude, Yeastie Boys' creation made from 100% peated malt.

First five:A confident, smart performer with vision, experience and an ability to lead others. Dependability and class are the keys  Emeron's Pilsner.

Second five: The crash-bang-wallop style of Ma'a Nonu means there's only one brewery in contention for producing the line-breaker we need in the midfield  Epic. Hop Zombie implies staggering in a straight line, but the taste is all about footwork, distribution and creativity, with 8.5% alcohol for punch.

Centre: Elegance and balance in the form of Tuatara APA  whether it be the American Pale Ale, or its upcoming replacement Aotearoa Pale Ale, which uses New Zealand hops instead of the hard-to-get American hops.

Wings: Using Sonny Bill Williams as a model, there's only one newcomer with the requisite hype to call itself the SBW of brewing, Moa. With a tonne of marketing and fanfare but with substance to match, The Blenheim brewery has to be represented by their Olympic-sponsoring St Joseph Tripel. On the other side of the field we want a Cory Jane-style figure  lippy, super agile, refreshingly daring; so I'm opting for one of my personal favourites, Hallertau Luxe (No 1).

Fullback:Israel Dagg, as the more footloose version of John Gallagher, is beer-ified by Invercargill Brewery's light-on-its-feet B-Man. Snappy bright and modern and because it's designed to hold its own with a curry, it can do the same on the field.

Note: Just like the All Blacks, there were a couple of notable contenders unavailable for selection: We couldn't go into a world cup with a goalkicker called Harrington's Wobbly Boot. Also out injured are Twisted Hop's Twisted Ankle and Liberty Brewing's Debilitated Defender!

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Hop on the bandwagon

I love chilli. The more heat the better but sometimes it gets away on me when I'm cooking and my wife gives me the evil eye over my too-spicy curry. To stop me over-heating things she made labels for the jars containing chilli: ``Use with caution dickhead.'' (She loves me, honest.)

There are a few brewers out there whose partners could be forgiven for putting similar labels on their hop supplies.

Right now there's a beer-nerd debate bubbling along about hops. Or, how much is too much.

Not everyone loves hops in beer. Too much hop-bitterness makes it  feel like your tongue has been taken out of your mouth and wrung out to dry. Too little and you may as well drink Horlicks.

The backlash against hoppiness is nothing new and has been happening in the United States for a few years as contrarians rail against a craft industry obsessed with hops. But it reached mainstream media here when beer writer Don Kavanagh  said too many brewers were guilty of amplifying hop levels so that beer becomes undrinkable. ``Attention-grabbing nonsense'' he called it. To me, complaining that over-hoppiness is attention-grabbing  nonsense  is attention-grabbing nonsense in its own right. It's pretty hard to take the moral high ground about what tastes nice.

If a brewer wants to pack in hops like a shopaholic in Milan, then so be it. It's their money they're investing and I don't think many brewers are prepared to flush away their hard-earned cash just to make an attention-grabbing statement. Generally they make these beers because people want to drink them. If no one wanted them, they'd go out of business pretty fast.

The other thing is, you have a choice. You don't have to drink an Epic Hop Zombie if you don't want to. Consumers can think for themselves. If you want a bland international lager, then you should go to as many Rugby World Cup games as you want.

It's like reality TV. You might hate My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding but  plenty of people watch it, so what can you do?

For the record, I love hops. They're up there with chilli. And the aforementioned Hop Zombie is an amazing example of how you can use them to make something remarkable.

The aroma of Luke Nicholas's creation is like being in an elevator full of women wearing different perfumes, yet the overall effect is something coherent. There's cut grass, lime, passionfruit, guava  …  like  eating fruit salad on a  lawn  in summer.

And behind the aroma comes a hard-kicking 8.5% of alcohol to give a sweetness which balances out the oily hop bitterness. It's balanced: like two fat men on a see-saw. And yet it's light, crisp and highly drinkable.

But sadly, there's not much of it around. As Epic tweeted this month:  ``If you see a @Hop_Zombie grab it! (due to another US hop shortage we can't get the hops we need, next invasion not likely till Jan 2013).''

I got my last batch at Glenngarry in Dominion Rd, Auckland. Some New World supermarkets and Liquorland outlets might have some but be quick.

It's the attitude that counts

Wellington's annual Beervana event this month emphasised what a creative bunch of brewers we have in New Zealand.

Just as a controversial artwork can attract and repel in equal doses, so it is in the beer world. What one person quaffs down, another spits out. This is the brilliance of the craft brew scene - there's something for everyone and much of it is so far from the mainstream as to be called radical.

Take Yeastie Boys. The Wellington- based brewery gets its stuff made under contract by the Invercargill Brewery. Effectively they are experimental home brewers who find a recipe they think will work and get it made in bulk.

Or sometimes they get an idea they know might not work but will get people talking. And so we have Rex Attitude: not so much a beer as an experience.

Their spiel is that the beer is made with 100% peat-smoked malt when no one is prepared to add more than 5% smoked malt. As a result, Rex Attitude bears more resemblance to a Laphroaig whisky than Lion Red.

The first whiff is campfire meets medicinal and the first taste sends confusing messages to your tastebuds. Could it actually be whisky diluted with beer?

For many people, that's where the Rex Attitude experience ends . . . with a scrunched-up face and a wrinkled nose. For others, it's a revelation and they can't get enough. By their own admission, Yeastie Boys say nine out of 10 Kiwis don't like it. For once in my life I'm swimming with the mainstream . . . I don't like it. But I can see why you would and I appreciate the out- there-ness of it.

The other highlight of Beervana was being part of the media competition where various journalists were paired with top brewers to come up with a collaborative brew.

My effort with Richard Emerson in Dunedin scored 30 out of 45 points which left us midfield with a number of other beers.

Our brew was too bitter, mainly because Richard kindly agreed to make a recipe I'd conjured up myself. Turns out all the errors I made at home probably disguised an underlying fault which was glaringly exposed when Richard applied his highly efficient processes. It was a great lesson in the art and science of brewing and I'm grateful to have worked with a genius like Richard.

There were two stand-out beers in the media competition. Luke Nicholas of Epic and Victoria Wells of Dish magazine created a coffee-fig stout which easily won over the judges with 41 points, while Yeastie Boys (yes, them again) teamed up with Simon Morton from Radio New Zealand to create a beer and a political statement with Riddler, an Anti-Shandy.

Their entry took the mickey out of the decision by the intellectual property office (IPONZ) to allow Dominion Breweries to trademark the term Radler (as in Monteith's Radler Bier). Radler is a beer style that has been around for decades and comes from a Flemish word for cyclist. It's all to do with a long story about bike racing and a hot summer's day and beer being watered down with lemonade.

Radler is widely accepted as a beer style, but because it's little used in New Zealand, IPONZ granted the trademark.

So Morton and those radical Wellington brewers came up with their version of a shandy: stout laced with Moet. It's creative and smart - just like our craft brewing industry (and journalists!).

Why Steve Williams is a dick

I promised a couple of people on Twitter that I'd one-day deliver my long-winded account of why Steve Williams is a dick. And it's all to do with Phil Mickelson being a ``prick''.
If you recall, in December 2008, Williams was home in New Zealand and at a speaking engagement in Taranaki made the comment: ``I wouldn't call Mickelson a great player 'cause I hate the prick.''
The story went up on the website on the Taranaki Daily News on Friday night where it was spotted by Laurence Donegan at The Guardian, who gave the story a global spin.
Back then I was sports editor at the Sunday Star-Times and we decided to follow the story on the Saturday morning.
Our reporter rang Williams and asked straight up whether he'd been reported accurately and had he used the word ``prick'',  William said yes and then embellished the answer.
``I visit a lot of golf clubs and do a lot of speaking for charity and that is one of the questions I get asked the most: what is Tiger's relationship like with Phil Mickleson?
``I was simply honest and said they don't get a long. You know what it's like. You're at a charity event and you have a bit of fun.
``I don't particularly like the guy (Mickelson) myself. He pays me no respect at all and hence I don't pay him any respect. It's no secret we don't get along either.''
All well and good. Great splash for us and the story goes global.
It lands Williams in a massive pot of boiling water with his then boss Tiger Woods, who had a lot of bridge-building to do with Mickelson.
There was lots of humble-pie eating on the part of the bag-carrier and Williams was pilloried across the world.
Fast forward to the end of 2009 and it's another Saturday morning drama as Woods is reported to have been badly injured in a car accident outside his Florida mansion.
We're scrambling for details so I ring Williams to find out what he knows.
``I'm not talking to the Sunday Star-Times and you know why,'' he says.
Williams then tears strips off me, saying as sports editor I should never have allowed the ``prick'' story to run, that I was irresponsible and should have been mindful of protecting his reputation by censoring the whole thing.
Well, last time I looked I wasn't Steve Williams' minder.
And we gave him every chance to talk down the story. He could have chosen a number of reactions. He could lashed out at the Daily News for running with his initial comment, saying it was made at a private function. He could have acknowledged he said it but then apologised to Mickelson.
But instead he chose to repeat the whole thing to a national newspaper and then further inflame the episode by dropping Tiger into the poop with him.
To have a crack at me 12 months later for failing to get him out of stink of his own creation is just ludicrous.
And that's why I think he's dick.

Wired on 8-Wired's iStout

At my age (and in this occupation) it's not often I'm surprised by things.
After a while, all the weird and wonderful creatures who make up the daily news can become commonplace, and sport often edges towards predictability (until the Black Caps shock everyone by winning a cricket match that matters).
And beer ... well, thanks to a week in Belgium a few years ago I thought I'd tried the most interesting styles.
Somehow Imperial Stout had slipped under the tasting radar. Imperial Stouts are often referred to as Russian Imperial Stouts and I'll confess that my one-time limited beer mind believed these were made in Russia. Part of me thought ``What do Russians know about beer?''
I don't mind admitting I was wrong. Completely. Imperial Stouts were born of an 18th century trade deal between Britain and Russia. English breweries made stouts for consumption in Russia and, because the journey was so long, they had to tinker with the style to make sure it reached  its destination in the best condition.
So an ordinary stout was supercharged.  It had a higher level of fermentable sugars which meant the beer would keep fermenting as it travelled. And it was also highly hopped. Ordinarily, stouts are not big on hops but hops have preservative qualities, so adding them made it more likely the stout would survive the long journey without going off.
The result was a pretty extreme brew  full-bodied, highly alcoholic, as black as coal but with a fruity, hoppy flavour.
My road to Damascus moment with Imperial Stout came from a bottle of 8-Wired Brewing's iStout.
At the first sip I was so astonished by the complex dance of flavours that I put down the glass and said aloud, to no one: ``That is the most amazing and surprising thing I've drunk.''
I simply wasn't prepared for the sweet chocolate and coffee flavours overlaid with an almost summery freshness of hops and an underlying 10% alcohol. This beer is like alcohol-soaked grapefruit coated in chocolate and infused with coffee before being bathed in stickly sweet malt.
Marlborough-based 8-Wired is one of the many newcomers to craft brewing who do not own their equipment. Instead they are contract brewers, renting equipment off Renaissance Brewing in Blenheim to produce their  brews, which are crafted by Soren Eriksen, a Dane who is a brewer at Renaissance.
The only minor quibble I have about iStout is the exhortation on the label to put a scoop of vanilla icecream into a  glass of iStout.
I tried it. It wasn't bad. A kind of alcoholic version of the old spider drinks we used to have as kids when you mix icecream and Coke.
You could try it for a laugh but it's not the best possible use of this wonderful drop.
For more info go to 8-wired.co.nz

I feel Tiger's pain!

I have a lot of empathy with Tiger Woods as his ongoing injuries continue to delay his return to golf.

This is because I’ve had a knee injury exactly like the one Woods suffered in 2008 and I know how hard the recovery can be and how easily things can go wrong and the way other injuries can crop up as a result of the surgery and recovery phase.

Unlike Woods I didn’t rip apart my knee playing golf. Mine came from cricket. But it was the sample twisting action at the heart of the injury which for both of us resulted in a ruptured anterior cruciate ligament, a fracture the head of the tibia, torn meniscus and partially torn medial ligaments.Mine wasn't caused by massive forces unless you count lack of fitness and being overweight as forces.

I can understand how Woods did his left knee – all that force of the femur (thigh) twisting over the tibia (shin) which was pretty much locked into position by an anchored left foot.

I did my right knee bowling a cricket ball (trying to bowl too fast!). I planted my right foot at angle of about 45deg and then pivoted my body over the anchored foot. The sound was awful. Like a series of little twigs breaking.

I liken the injury to what happens when you twist a top off a beer bottle. It doesn’t take much effort to turn the cap but once you go far enough it just pops off – just as the femur pops off the tibia.

The hardest thing about this injury is the rehab. After surgery to graft a new ligament so spend a lot of time sitting and recuperating and walking is with the aid of crutches and then a leg brace. The net outcome is the muscles in the effected leg waste away. Even now a year after surgery, I’m struggling to get my right quadriceps to the same size as the left. Ditto the gluteals.

As I recovered and started lifting weights and walking on the treadmill two things happened. First I got extreme knee pain – it turned out that in rehab, the stress on the knee caused the patella tendon to tear, so I had ease back on some training while that repaired. The orthopaedic surgeon couldn’t work out why it ruptured – it just did.

Then I got severe lower back and shoulder pain. My physiotherapist explained that this was because I was compensating for my weaker right side and was loading up too much on the left.

And even now, a year on, I still haven’t regained full flexibility in the right leg. I can’t fully extend it nor do something like a full squat (which makes it hard to line up putts).

I was thinking of Woods again this morning after the news he was pulling out of the Open because of ongoing injury concerns and then I went to gym to do my rehab exercises, trying to push a bit further than usual because I felt good. Before I know it, I’ve rolled my left ankle because my right knee has given out and the left side has taken the force …

I can just imagine Woods, with all his free time, working really hard in the gym to make his comeback in 2009 (which was pretty spectacular, though without a major). I imagine now that he wasn’t quite right – that he was still playing through pain and pushing it hard in rehab which was causing added pressures on his body.

Then he goes into exile because of the whole sex addiction thing (or whatever you want to call it) and makes a second comeback … and tries to change his swing, but is still not quite right physically, hence more problems kick in.

It’s a tough situation and, based on my experience, I feel for the guy. I certainly want to see him back fully fit and going head to head with Rory McIlroy and Jason Day … but being realistic that might have to wait until next year.